Lessons learned one day at a time.....

I probably shouldn't be writing right now....I'm tired and out of sorts. I made a bit of a fool of myself (which I regret now) because we got to experience the joys of flying standby. I don't want to use this moment of writing with negativity (I've already done that enough personally).  It's funny but when I write, I feel clear, like myself, and not who I am in the over-reacted moment. I only wish I could convey that more into my daily life.  It's one day at a time, one lesson learned (sometimes the hard way) at a time, and I have to keep remember to breath and tell myself that "This too shall pass" 
So now I'll recap what has happened over the last little while.

I made the decision about a month ago to come home from this adventure I started 6 months ago. It was time, I could feel it in my heart.  I longed for my friends mostly, but I knew that if I just focused on one goal at a time, that when I came home, life itself wouldn't seem so overwhelming as I have made it out to be.  My mom disagreed with my decision for a while. I can't say I always handled it gracefully being here, I would often get negative and say that it was "money" that was the problem, and that I felt lonely.  But I knew that the moments I was having in Brazil were stepping stones, teachers in my life and that I needed to be ok with going with the flow. 

Basically 6 months was the plan in the first place, but then when I didn't get a job until late February, that changed.  The supervisors at the schools I was working at, wanted me to stay longer, at least until the end of this semester.  Through some reluctance in my heart, I thought to myself, I don't know, I'm not sure about this.  But then I realized that I would have  chance to perhaps improve my Portuguese in general, and get to know the city more. But I would be spending a lot of time preparing lessons and working 3 days out of the week.  "Ok. I can do it." I thought.  Then about a month ago, I realized how much I missed my home, my family, my friends, and that though yes, this trip was exciting in some ways, I was pretty much on my own, and not with a sponsored group that I could go with. Which means I needed to navagate Curitiba by myself. It's sometimes not a matter of that you can do it, it's just the timing of when and how you can do something.  So I realized also that I needed to go home and study some portuguese, some life skills even, so that my traveling experiences could be better.  I also was not making hardly any money to support myself here, which means my parents were helping me out (generously I might add) and I don't like the idea of it at all.  So I prayed, and I even made a pro's and con's list of what it would be like to stay, and what it would be like to leave early....

I knew it was the right thing to go home.  For now, it's what feels right. And I dreaded telling my supervisors that I wanted and "needed" to go home....but they understood the money situation and respected that.  You see, something I've learned about myself is that I have the ability to stew over things, and practically give myself ulcers thinking about what "could" happen, the worst case senario, instead of just accepting the situation and thinking rationally....so when the situation works itself out the way it's supposed to (and in my favor most of the time) I am now left with a bit of bittersweet guilt wondering why I stressed so much in the first place.

Which leads me to my current situation, sitting in an airport, after being booted from our evening flight, after waiting in an airport for 8 hours....I'm exhausted. My mother is sleeping on three of our bags with a blanket wrapped around her and my pillow (which I brought thankfully).  She's a stone soldier when it comes to traveling. Almost etherial. This is her kind of traveling, she just "goes with it"  wait. Hold up. Isn't that supposed to be MY personality? She's the A type buisness woman, and I'm the free spirited girl....what. The. Crap. I'm the one freaking out over here, losing my will to act like a grownup and start throwing a mini fit to myself.  Mostly I'm comparing the stress levels here, but STILL. It's insane.  But you know what? Though I loath this way of traveling, and will NEVER travel this way again (I don't care how cheap it is, I'd rather pay full price and get to where I want to be without worry), I realize through some reluctance to my child-like self that there is nothing more I can do right now. It just.....IS, and it sucks sometimes that things are just the way they are. But as Neko Case says, "I'm just action, and other times reaction"  There are two kinds of tendencies people have when faced with stressful situations....the one that says, "It's ok, it'll all work out, and just pick up a book, get a coffee and wait while enjoying their moment of stress" and others who will bite their nails and keep asking why the situation is happening, when they already know why, but they want some kind of different answer.  You may be one tendency more than the other, but we should all strive to appease to the first.

So in closing, though my hungry belly doth protest, my last words for today are that your actions, reflect not only on yourself, but can reflect badly on others. As I was having my moment of childness, cursing the situation, my mother pulls me aside and says, "Stop it.  This reflects badly on Dustin (my step brother who's a pilot). And though I was still upset, I could see that I was making the fool of my own self, and possibly embarassing my hardworking brother in the process. I sure like to learn my lessons the fool hardy way around don't I? 

We must try and wait with patience, and try not to waste the moment with worry, for it wears away the soul. I leave you with "Nothing to remember" by Neko Case.  Happy travels everyone!

A Truth Seeking Journey

"...I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" - a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe."


Liz Gilbert- Eat, Pray, Love

This is something I have felt as I have been here.  I have also become more aware of the fact of how black and white the world can be sometimes.  When you do good things, things that draw the spirit nigh unto you, you receive blessings, or good karma, (however you see this world) but when you do things that don't honor your divine-ness, your integrity, the beautiful soul that is you, the world hands you a steamy hot pile of "this is how it is" and you are left between a choice.....I can keep doing the same thing because I have a pride issue and I can be a victim and blame the world for my choices of bad behavior....OR I could use this to become stronger, I could possibly change....I have this strength.  Because anyone who tells you that you can't, is a big fat liar, and for all intents and purposes are an enemy to you, and you should stay far far away from these people.  There is nothing like the euphoria of being surrounded by an uplifting group of talented and loving individuals, who believe in you when you refuse to believe in yourself.


I haven't written on here in a long long while.  I guess I haven't had much to say, or didn't have the motivation to write it down.  I have been here for about 6 months (15th of May will make it officially so) and I was supposed to be out of here by then.  I have thought how nice that would have been.  But then I realize that I'm not ready to go back.  Yes, I may only be working 8 hours a week, and making only about 500 per month but I feel like this where I need to be.  If you ever get the chance to do this, take advantage of the alone time you have.  Yes I may be more connected than I should be, but seriously, the quiet time you get to clear out the junk in your brain is priceless.  I actually thought about getting a name tag that says simply, "I am in silence" just like Eat, Pray, Love.  But unfortunately, my job as a teacher prevents me from doing so.


Being a teacher is a lot harder than I expected it to be.  When I came here, I was expecting to be set up with a job right away.  Just like I was expecting everything to be taken care of for me.  News flash.  When your mother is over 3,000 miles away from you within 4 days of your arriving in a foreign country, you're like a child all over again.  No one to hold your hand and do things for you, and the blame game won't work anymore, and playing the victim?  Forget it.  So, when I got here, I was lucky enough to have a support system and people to help me find a job.  However, I didn't start until February.  So that meant, no money at all of my own, which means, I am back in the allowance days, where mommy gives you all her hard earned money.  Talk about feeling like a kid again, there you go.  Thank God for Western Union and being able to get money when I need it.  I really don't like the process of having to go all the way to the bank to receive it, but it's better than nothing.


So basically I started working on February 25th at Fisk in Pinhais which is about 30 minutes away from anywhere I've lived since I've arrived here.  Translation, pain in the butt to get to by bus.  You have to leave at least 1 hour early to be on time, because you never know when the bus drivers are just going to turn off their engines and get out and walk around to stretch their legs.  They LOVE taking advantage of this. They don't care that you are going to be late.  So the solution?  Just leave earlier.  This means, that if you work at 8 in the morning you need to be out of the house by at least 6:30.  And believe it or not, it's freezing here in the morning, like see your breath cold.  Isn't this supposed to be a tropical paradise?
So, to move on I had barely any training at this new and seemingly easy job (I mean, I know English, so I must be an expert) but immediately I knew there was more to it than just conversation.  It doesn't help that you get hardly any training before you start working.  If I may give you two tips before doing this it would be: #1- LEARN the language of the country BEFORE you get there.  I had 5 months of waiting around that I could have been using to brush up on my Portuguese.  Not everyone will cater to your English and it will become very frustrating.  Tip #2- Please study all the 12 verb tenses, simple past, present perfect.  It will save you time when you get this kind of job.  Basically you should know your way around your grammar.  Because as if learning a foreign language wasn't already hard enough, English grammar is a new kind of foreign language.


So there's the reality of it.  This was one of the best decisions I've ever made coming here....and life isn't going to be all fun and roses and easy when I come home, but it will be more do-able, because I can speak English and I will tell you that once you've been in any foreign country, life back home seems like a cakewalk. You have a strength inside of you that you never thought possible.  I encourage that any young person do this.  I will be honest though....this hasn't let me get out of my head as much as I would have liked, I only have done that in a small form by being a teacher....but consider it a "truth seeking journey" and a time to really appreciate what kind of life you have, what kind of people you surround yourself with, and a time to realize as well, that "No human is an island" John Donne.  Being lonely doesn't mean you are alone....I have felt more love being here, on both ends of the heart from my true friends and my family, and I for them.  And I've also become pretty handy with a guitar :) You rule your choices, you rule your mind, you MUST rule your life....or you will become nothing less than a doormat for the world to walk all over, to be molded into whatever everyone else wants for you.  


In conclusion, I've realized what an important thing prayer and depending on the Lord for strength has been to me.  I have come to realize a little more that pride and not willing to humble yourself will only feed to the theory that I stated at the beginning....and the Lord can only help you...as much as you are willing to help yourself.  He will give you more friends and more love than you imagined, but the truth is, you cannot receive if you are not willing to give and let go of pride....He loves you, He will never leave you.


More to come soon, and Happy travels, 


Nyrie

First moments in Brazil 11-16-11

I am here. It smells different, a hint of mustiness in the air, permeating my favorite laundry detergent and swallowing it's scent. We are currently at Risolette's home in Pinhais Curitiba. My grandmother is buried here, was born here, spent most of her life here. The dogs begin to bark outside, the domino effect has taken place....far away. It's funny to me that the flight from JFK New York airport takes 12 hours and yet there is only a 5 hour distance in time ahead of the US. Hm....I have been in and out all day, traveling, jet lag. Bombarded...I don't even think I have seen the half of it yet. I have barely touched this language of love, a language that is locked inside me, waiting for release. I am ready to start something again, get out of my head. I am in a home with no dishwasher, no hot water in the taps, in a semi poor part of Curitiba. This is a middle class home here. I am grateful for my life, for these wonderful and hardworking people that have opened up their home to my mother and I. I love the trees, the green; I can't wait till tomorrow. My head aches for sleep again.....I am ready for hibernation, but ready to wake. My new life has begun.