Lessons learned one day at a time.....

I probably shouldn't be writing right now....I'm tired and out of sorts. I made a bit of a fool of myself (which I regret now) because we got to experience the joys of flying standby. I don't want to use this moment of writing with negativity (I've already done that enough personally).  It's funny but when I write, I feel clear, like myself, and not who I am in the over-reacted moment. I only wish I could convey that more into my daily life.  It's one day at a time, one lesson learned (sometimes the hard way) at a time, and I have to keep remember to breath and tell myself that "This too shall pass" 
So now I'll recap what has happened over the last little while.

I made the decision about a month ago to come home from this adventure I started 6 months ago. It was time, I could feel it in my heart.  I longed for my friends mostly, but I knew that if I just focused on one goal at a time, that when I came home, life itself wouldn't seem so overwhelming as I have made it out to be.  My mom disagreed with my decision for a while. I can't say I always handled it gracefully being here, I would often get negative and say that it was "money" that was the problem, and that I felt lonely.  But I knew that the moments I was having in Brazil were stepping stones, teachers in my life and that I needed to be ok with going with the flow. 

Basically 6 months was the plan in the first place, but then when I didn't get a job until late February, that changed.  The supervisors at the schools I was working at, wanted me to stay longer, at least until the end of this semester.  Through some reluctance in my heart, I thought to myself, I don't know, I'm not sure about this.  But then I realized that I would have  chance to perhaps improve my Portuguese in general, and get to know the city more. But I would be spending a lot of time preparing lessons and working 3 days out of the week.  "Ok. I can do it." I thought.  Then about a month ago, I realized how much I missed my home, my family, my friends, and that though yes, this trip was exciting in some ways, I was pretty much on my own, and not with a sponsored group that I could go with. Which means I needed to navagate Curitiba by myself. It's sometimes not a matter of that you can do it, it's just the timing of when and how you can do something.  So I realized also that I needed to go home and study some portuguese, some life skills even, so that my traveling experiences could be better.  I also was not making hardly any money to support myself here, which means my parents were helping me out (generously I might add) and I don't like the idea of it at all.  So I prayed, and I even made a pro's and con's list of what it would be like to stay, and what it would be like to leave early....

I knew it was the right thing to go home.  For now, it's what feels right. And I dreaded telling my supervisors that I wanted and "needed" to go home....but they understood the money situation and respected that.  You see, something I've learned about myself is that I have the ability to stew over things, and practically give myself ulcers thinking about what "could" happen, the worst case senario, instead of just accepting the situation and thinking rationally....so when the situation works itself out the way it's supposed to (and in my favor most of the time) I am now left with a bit of bittersweet guilt wondering why I stressed so much in the first place.

Which leads me to my current situation, sitting in an airport, after being booted from our evening flight, after waiting in an airport for 8 hours....I'm exhausted. My mother is sleeping on three of our bags with a blanket wrapped around her and my pillow (which I brought thankfully).  She's a stone soldier when it comes to traveling. Almost etherial. This is her kind of traveling, she just "goes with it"  wait. Hold up. Isn't that supposed to be MY personality? She's the A type buisness woman, and I'm the free spirited girl....what. The. Crap. I'm the one freaking out over here, losing my will to act like a grownup and start throwing a mini fit to myself.  Mostly I'm comparing the stress levels here, but STILL. It's insane.  But you know what? Though I loath this way of traveling, and will NEVER travel this way again (I don't care how cheap it is, I'd rather pay full price and get to where I want to be without worry), I realize through some reluctance to my child-like self that there is nothing more I can do right now. It just.....IS, and it sucks sometimes that things are just the way they are. But as Neko Case says, "I'm just action, and other times reaction"  There are two kinds of tendencies people have when faced with stressful situations....the one that says, "It's ok, it'll all work out, and just pick up a book, get a coffee and wait while enjoying their moment of stress" and others who will bite their nails and keep asking why the situation is happening, when they already know why, but they want some kind of different answer.  You may be one tendency more than the other, but we should all strive to appease to the first.

So in closing, though my hungry belly doth protest, my last words for today are that your actions, reflect not only on yourself, but can reflect badly on others. As I was having my moment of childness, cursing the situation, my mother pulls me aside and says, "Stop it.  This reflects badly on Dustin (my step brother who's a pilot). And though I was still upset, I could see that I was making the fool of my own self, and possibly embarassing my hardworking brother in the process. I sure like to learn my lessons the fool hardy way around don't I? 

We must try and wait with patience, and try not to waste the moment with worry, for it wears away the soul. I leave you with "Nothing to remember" by Neko Case.  Happy travels everyone!